Paul O'Grady's Country Life by Paul O'Grady

Author:Paul O'Grady [O’Grady, Paul]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Transworld
Published: 2017-11-02T00:00:00+00:00

After the pigs, goats, chickens and ducks had settled in I foolishly decided that what I really needed were a few geese to complete the farmyard setting I’d created. I wish somebody had warned me about their temperament before I brought a fine young male and a healthy pair of females home with me, as I was to find out that country life would never quite be the same again, not with the geese around. I called them Mr Steed, Tara and Mrs Peel after characters in The Avengers and for the first few days they were quiet, timid and very shy, running away each time anyone approached. However, this happy state of play wasn’t to last for very long. Within a month the gentle Mr Steed had turned into Dr No.

One rain-sodden morning as I made my way to feed the goats and pigs I passed the geese, busy occupying themselves by tearing up the grass underneath the washing line. They were so preoccupied with this act of wanton vandalism that they didn’t even bother to look up to acknowledge my greeting. Seemingly oblivious to me they simply continued to tear up sods of earth.

The pigs were always pleased to see me as apart from enjoying human company they knew that I was about to dish up breakfast. They greeted my presence by charging up to the fence and grunting excitedly. As I leaned over the fence to chat to them, as I always do, I suddenly felt this excruciating pain in the back of my leg. It felt as if a chunk of my thigh was being squeezed in a vice. Turning around quickly to see what was the cause of this agony I found Mr Steed hanging off my leg with Tara lurking in the background with a mean look in her beady eye that signalled she was about to make a lunge in the region of my crotch.

Rule Number One: Never turn your back on a goose or else you just might get goosed.

Managing to shake Mr Steed off, I had no choice but to scramble over the fence and get in with the pigs to escape his fury. The pigs, being sociable animals, seemed delighted at this early-morning visitation and, rushing towards me enthusiastically, they managed to knock me over. I lay there in the mud. There’d been a lot of rain recently and consequently there was more than an ample supply of thick, gloopy mud mixed with God knows what else churned up by the pigs. I was covered in it, and Blanche, peering over at me sympathetically, grunted, a sound that in piggy language I took for an apology, which I gracefully accepted.

The geese hissed triumphantly at me through the fence.

As I was attempting to get up out of this mud swamp I was thwarted in my tracks by Jane casually backing up towards me, deciding at this moment to take a pee. A long warm one, straight down my back. The geese, watching this, honked appreciatively, as if they were laughing at me.

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